Friday, November 23, 2012

Thanksgiving

So, I have survived my first Thanksgiving as a low-fat vegan. A couple months ago, I would've anticipated the past two days to be quite difficult in resisting the urge to eat food that wasn't on my diet. In all reality, it was really easy. I made food that felt deserving of a special occasion and brought it with me to Mom's house. I didn't lust after the sweet potato casserole. I didn't drool over the dressing, and I certainly didn't feel sad about missing out on turkey. These foods just aren't appetizing to me anymore. I sat there and ate my dinner, and instead enjoyed the company of my family.

I've always said that the company was more important to me during the holidays than the food, and for the first time this year, I found it to be true. Brad's been off work since Wednesday, and I can't tell you how lovely it is to have him around all day. He and Jack have so much fun together, and I can tell Cy is really starting to bond with Brad in a way that I can't.

There's a tradition in my family that every year, we pass a little cup or ramekin around the table and everyone places two corn kernels in the cup and says what we're thankful for. This year, as I looked at my two little boys, I realized how rich my life is. I have two fantastic and interesting people that I am in charge of raising. I have a loving husband. I have friends that offer help when I know that they too have challenges in their lives that I can't imagine having to surmount. I volunteer my time as a La Leche League leader. My extended family is generous with their attention when I call to complain about some mundane thing that's eating up entirely too much of my attention. I have a beautiful home, and there's always food on the table. I am thankful.

Seeing what other people deal with on a daily basis kind of puts my body image woes into perspective. Sam said that he was thankful for his family and friends, and that he was in remission. Here's an 11 year old kid who's diagnosis came as a complete shock to everyone, and yes, there have been times when he gets upset at the hospital stays, and the medication, and the procedures, and the whole damn situation, but a part of his personality has started to emerge through this mess and I love the man he is becoming. He's generous, and kind, and thoughtful, and altruistic. If this is what he's like at 11, I can't wait to know that man he'll be in 10 years.

I guess what I'm rambling on about, is that I was schooled today by a kid with leukemia. While I'm thinking about how I need to start exercising to minimize my hips, here's a kid that's just thankful to be in remission.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Sad trombone and fanfare!

Oof! It's been a rough week. Jack has really been struggling here at home with some on going challenges, and I don't think I've been handling it well. In fact, I feel like I've used every possible tool at my disposal and I'm still coming up short. I will be in the midst of trying to handle the situation, and while I'm dealing with it, I'll be thinking, "You're messing this all up. Everything about what you're doing right now is terribly wrong," My sister, Abbey, says it's paralysis by analysis. Yup. I feel so much pressure to handle this situation correctly. I've read the books. I know what to say and what not to say. I feel like his lack of success is a reflection of my parenting. I'm the one who's a real failure here, not Jack.

So, Brad and I have decided to reach out and seek some professional advice. I got a name from a friend tonight. She works with kids. Her daughter has special needs, which makes me more comfortable about her level of sensitivity to kids. I hope that she, as an outsider, will be able to look at the situation with fresh eyes and give me some insight that I just don't have right now.

On a completely different note, it's just over one month until my 31st birthday. My goal of reaching 165 by then is still attainable. I weighed in today at 175. Yes, I've gained a little bit, but I'm not feeling daunted. I will be fit and fabulous for my birthday. I just need to stop making tasty little baked goodies. I need to find something to do in the afternoon that I find entertaining.

Now, I just need to decide if I feel like having a birthday party for myself.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Long overdue!

So, several weeks have gone by without me updating my blog, so here's what I can remember that's worth blogging about.

My experiment with not stepping on the scale has not gone well. I'm still hovering at 173-174. I do not do well with not weighing in apparently. So, starting tomorrow, I'm restarting my habit of weighing in every day. I want to be back at 165 by my 31st birthday, which is December 4th. I'm so close, I don't want to lose the momentum that I've had.

A good friend of mine commented on how good I'm looking these days, and it gave me pause. I am actually enjoying picking out clothes to wear, and the best part is that I emotionally feel better. I feel like my mind is clearer, and I feel like the emotional fog that I was in the first six months after Cy was born has lifted. I don't feel sad, or overwhelmed by daily life. Do I still get frustrated? Definitely. But I'm getting over it faster now, and when I'm responsible for the welfare of two small children, it's beneficial for all.

I actually have nothing but positive stuff to say about Jack right now. We've finally gotten his digestive issues taken care of. Thank you, Natural Calm. He's been fun to be around again, and I know that our good moods feed off each other. He's sleeping better at night again. He's had rotten luck with sleep since that enormous storm came through the end of June, and Brad's been incredibly patient with him, sleeping either in his twin bed with him, or on the floor.

Wow. I just feel really good, and it feels great to really mean it.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Sunday check in and a brief history

Okay, so I know that I said that I wasn't going to step on the scale for a month, but that's an incredibly difficult thing to do when you're used to stepping on every day. So, I stepped on this morning, and I was 173.8. I am pretty happy with this, but I wish I'd had the willpower to stay off. I have stepped on the scale daily since I first started losing weight 10 years ago. That's right. I've been on a scale daily for 10 years.

I was always overweight growing up. It was a large part of my identity. I was Sarah, the overweight Bowman girl. I was intensely uncomfortable in my own skin. I never liked myself. I don't think this was unique to me. I remember being in the 180's when I was in 8th grade and being by wearing a size 16 when all my other friends were weighing maybe in the low 100's. Yes, I was about six to eight inches taller than all my other friends, but I was just big. I felt like Andre The Giant and surrounded by delicate beings. I was afraid of breaking my friends.

By the time I graduated high school, I weighed around 200 pounds. I met Brad in October of that year. While still unhappy with my physical appearance, I was happy, no, overjoyed, that someone loved me and found my physically attractive. With our new relationship, came much dining out. And we didn't go to great places. Ruby Tuesday was a regular stop of our, sometimes twice in one weekend.

After a year of dating, I had ballooned. Seriously ballooned. I started having bad headaches that just never went away. I went to the doctor and was told that I had high blood pressure. I weighed 236. I was so embarrassed. I was ashamed. The thing that amazed me the most about that appointment was that the doctor never mentioned my weight as a contributing factor to my hypertension. I was the one who initiated the weight loss conversation.

So, I started watching was I was eating. I had always known that certain foods were bad for me, but never knew how bad they were. I was told to eat 20 grams of fat a day, and no more than 1800 calories. I suddenly was able to gauge how bad my food choices were. I lost weight easily. I had been eating that badly. After a month, I was down to 217, and my blood pressure was heading in the right direction as well.

I lost 50 pounds. I was happy at 186 for a while. But I was still a size 16, and I still wasn't happy. I was exercising, and watching was I was eating, but I wasn't losing any weight. I went to my family doctor, who gave me a weight loss drug. I know that I'm sure some people will have issues with my use of a weight loss drug, but I had been suffering with a stomach problem for years, and it inexplicably almost completely alleviated the symptoms. After being on the medication for 9 months, I went off it weighing in at 151.5.

We got married when I was 23 and I weighed 157.5. (I find it interesting that I remember my exact weight.) After a year, I weighed 163. I decided that I needed to diet, and joined Weight Watchers, and after four months I weighed 147.5, my lowest weight. I had a really hard time maintaining that weight, and ended up gaining it all back by eating Halloween candy.

When I got pregnant with Jack, I was around 165. I had been hanging in about 160, but my dad had been diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma just prior to me getting pregnant, and I'm nothing if not an emotional eater. I gained 40 pounds with my pregnancy with Jack. I was almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight when we found out that we were pregnant again. It was a struggle to get back there, but we were happy to be pregnant.

When I miscarried 2 weeks later, I returned to my old habits of eating junk and stopped exercising. I gained 5 pounds back before I suddenly and unexpectedly found myself pregnant again. I gained another 40 pounds with my pregnancy with Cy, and lost 20 pounds of that quickly: Thank you, 9 pound Cyrus!

And so that brings you up on my weight saga. I really feel like this is the last time that I feel I am going to fit this fight.

And now I have to go as there is a wee babe that is unexpectedly awake. 

Monday, October 1, 2012

Sunday weigh in posted on Monday, and musings on being a crummy friend

I am 175.4! This means I am 10 pounds away from my maximum weight goal. I am overjoyed. I'm also fitting back into pre-pregnancy jeans.  This past 2 weeks have been really rough here in terms of managing for me, which makes this weight loss surprising.

The past couple of weeks, I've felt mentally exhausted. There's always something that needs to be done. I just don't feel like I can ever relax and know that I've caught up on everything that needs to be done. There is always laundry to be folded, the dishwasher to be emptied and loaded, beds to be made, floors to be swept. I guess I've been feeling defeated by the sheer magnitude of the work load in front of me. So, I've decided that I need to start a schedule; certain days dedicated to certain chores. I've always kind of enjoyed having a lot of flexibility to my week, but I think right now it's rather destructive.

I've also been a crummy friend lately. I haven't been venturing out of the house much except for trips to the grocery store and to Plan B. It's just so much effort to get Jack on board, catch Cyrus between naps, get myself presentable. On Saturday, I was invited to a birthday party for a friend's son. I woke up, mentally ready to go. Cyrus fell asleep about an hour earlier than I expected, and continued to sleep for the next four hours. I should've just woken him up and went, but I feel so socially awkward in situations where I only know one or two people. I felt so guilty about bailing on the party at the last minute. I was invited to join a celebration, and I stayed at home, waiting for Cyrus to wake up.

Last night, as I was waiting for sleep to come, I realized that while I am not "sad" depressed, I am "overwhelmed" depressed, or "defeated" depressed. Although I really enjoy getting out of the house and visiting with my friends, I always have some price to pay. Someone misses a nap and becomes either cranky, or they become unreasonable, depending on who it is that misses the nap.

So, for one month, I am going to put myself out there. I will make playdates for the kiddos and keep them. I will invite people in, and I will get out. I am going to make every effort to be a better friend. I will email people back the same day that I am emailed. I need to make an effort. I know my mental health will be better for it.

Also, for one month, I am going to put my scale away. I will continue checking in here, but I am going to put it away. I feel ruled by it a lot of the time, and so I am going to try and break free from the shackles of  the number on the scale. Heaven help me, I will find this difficult. I've always been someone who's checked her weight every day. This will be a big change for me.

Until next time!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

What am I eating?

Ok, for those of you wondering what on earth I'm eating, here's are links to some recipes that I'm using.

Acorn squash and Apple Soup
African Kale and Yam Soup
Apple Cinnamon Coffee Cake
Homemade Lara Bars
Raw Avocado Lime Pie
Quiche with Greens

The squash soup is insanely easy and delicious. Even Cyrus was grabbing to have some more off the spoon. The African Kale and Yam soup is also easy and very flavorful. The coffee cake smelled so good while baking and was extremely tasty. I found my homemade Lara bars to be by far superior to the commercially made ones.

The lime pie deserves its own paragraph. Holy cow. It was so delicious. It takes some time to prep as zesting 10 limes isn't a quick chore, but the pay off is amazing. Even Brad was asking for more. Jack informed me that he didn't want to eat it. I asked why, and he said that he doesn't eat green things. I reminded him that he loves broccoli and lime flavored things. He thought for a minute, and then told me that he likes those things, but he doesn't like green pie. I couldn't help but chuckle.


I really enjoyed the quiche. It started my day off right with lots of kale, and it really stuck with me. What is doubly awesome about it is that it too is insanely easy to make.

So this is proof that I'm eating way more than simple baby carrots and celery sticks.


Sunday weigh in

178! I'm so relieved to be out of the 180's. I've met my first goal, which was to get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight with Cyrus. Now, I'm ready to move onto my next goal, which is 165. This is what I weighed when I got pregnant with Jack.

I want to start really exercising. I need to do something for myself. I feel like I've been giving so much to the kids, Jack in particular lately, that I need to do something just for myself. I've thought about running, but I'm so out of shape that I feel like I need to exercise my way to some kind of endurance before I can even entertain the idea of running. Besides, if I want to run, I've got to take both kids with me in the double stroller. That's a lot of extra weight, and Timberville is loaded with hills and we live at the top of one of the steepest. So, basically I need to exercise in order to exercise.

I have happily fitting back into pre-pregnancy jeans. I feel like a whole world of clothes has been opened to me. I'm donating my post pregnancy jeans and shirts to Gift and Thrift this week. I don't ever want to be that size again.

So, goal for this week: exercise, in any form I can get it. I'm going to try and make all my food for the week today. And Jack. Lord. I need to do something. He's intense. I love him so much, but there are times when I am just overwhelmed by frustration. I'm trying to parent peacefully, but he sees right through me! He's a smart kid, and when his mind is made up, it's hard to convince him to change it. And I'm not talking about anything unrealistic. I'm just asking him to get dressed, or eat or drink. I do know that things will get better soon. They have to.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Fresh skin!

Since I've got some seriously short hair now, my skin is really on display. I realized that I no longer have the skin of a 22 year old, and I need to start taking care of it if I want to continue to look awesome as I get older. I've been looking for homemade facial scrubs. I refuse to add yet another container of something to our bathroom. We've got way too much as it is.

So I searched a number of times, and finally found one that I like on a blog called Crunchy Betty. I juiced a lemon, added a lot of white sugar, and scrubbed. Not only was it incredibly tasty, it actually worked! I ran into the living room and had Brad feel my face because it was so smooth. I'm still rubbing my chin today.

I had a good bit of the scrub leftover, so I stuck it in the fridge to keep the fruit flies out. This morning, I added some olive oil to it, and used it as a body scrub in the shower. Again, fantastic skin lay under my much neglected skin.

So instead of spending an arm and a leg on two separate facial and body scrubs, I used one lemon, several tablespoons of white sugar, and a little olive oil and I now have some fresh skin to show the world. Score 1 for frugality!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Sunday weigh in and Highland County

181. I'll take it. I wish it were a little less, but a month ago, I could only dream of fitting back into my pre-pregnancy clothes.

Highland County. Oh, geez. There is no way in hell I would want to live back there right now. There's nothing there! I would go absolutely stir crazy. Maybe if I were a retiree, I would feel differently, but for now, I would view it as a prison. It's at least 45 minutes to a grocery store. There's a Family Dollar there, and that's about it. Even McDonald's hasn't made an appearance yet.

So, my bald head and I arrived Thursday afternoon. The apartment was nice, but water pressure was non-existent. Thankfully, I had a bald head. We went to the fair grounds and boy did I draw stares! And I decided that I was going to stare down everyone who stared at me. It was kind of nice to be so confrontational. I'm normally trying to make sure that people like me, but I can't say I tried to do that this weekend.

Another thing I noticed is that there was not one baby being held. Everyone pushed strollers. I can't understand why some people think that pushing a stroller through gravel is easier than just carrying your baby. There was also a lot of stellar parenting on display as well. I felt sorry for these little kids that were constantly being yelled at and having arms yanked.

Jack loved, loved, loved the demolition derby. He stayed there watching it until 10:30 or so. Brad said he was completely captivated by it. Thanks to our friend, Rachel Chavez, Jack had proper ear protection and was able to enjoy it without being deafened.

Maybe next year Brad will take just Jack and it will be a special weekend for just them. I can't say that I want to go back. The highlight of the whole trip for me was on the trip back. We stopped at the top of the mountain and hiked around the Confederate breastworks. We all had a great time.We need to hunt up some more kid friendly hiking paths. Jack walked the whole thing. Next time, I will make sure to put Cy on my back as opposed to my front. I thought my back was going to break.

All in all, not a bad week.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Update

I realized earlier this week that I had missed my Sunday weigh in. Part of it was accidental, but part of it was intentional. I did really forget on Sunday, but chose to ignore it Monday. I didn't have a great week. I failed to have food ready for me at meal times, which resulted in eating too many seeds and nuts and I ate too many border foods. By border, I mean that while the foods are vegan, they may have possessed too much oil, or the food was a little too processed.

I also had my plate full getting ready for Sam's Remission Party. Friday, I spent the day making three chocolate cakes. Me deciding to make these cakes is like putting an alcoholic in charge mixing drinks at a party. It was hard, but I didn't eat too much of it. The frosting was a completely different story. Chocolate mousse frosting from The Joy of Cooking. This is quite possibly the best frosting. Ever. I didn't have any until after I was done frosting the cakes, and then the shoveling commenced. I just couldn't help myself. I had tried so hard to resist, but I knew how good this frosting was, and I knew how much I liked it. So I had some. Then some more. And then some more.

I didn't have time to eat lunch, so I ended up eating two small pieces of pizza at Plan B after I had my head shaved. Oh, yeah, my head is shaved now. It's pretty much the best decision I've ever made. I digress. Anyway...

So, I have been losing weight and inches. I'm fitting into my clothes that I wore before I had Cy. I've got a little more that 15 pounds left until I meet my goal weight. I'm feeling really happy about this. Progress is the best motivating factor. I want to keep up the pace that I've started.

So, tomorrow will be my weigh in and my adventures in Highland County.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Oops.

So, I found a youtube channel that does only 10 minute workouts, which is great for me. That's about all the time I can get to myself to exercise. And when I say to myself, I still have Jack tackling me every time I'm on the floor, Cyrus tugging at my leg, trying to stand up.

Monday, I did a 10 minute Jackie Warner work out. The UFC's are tough! Tuesday, I decided to push myself and do a leg only work out. I had watched it prior to doing it, and I felt prepared. I thought that it would be tough, but not so much as to leave me incapable of walking. So I did it. It was a good workout for my atrophied leg muscles. I got through without any immediate problems.

Fast forward a couple hours. I started to feel a little tight in my lower back, but no biggie. At bedtime, I was feeling it. Hurt to bend over, hurt to pick up Cyrus. Crap. I had done it again.

I am notorious for working out too hard. The first time I started going to a gym when I was 21, I managed, with the help of a trainer, to tear so many muscle fibers that my armed swelled to the point of being unable to wear a long sleeved shirt. I ended up going to the doctor because I couldn't bend my arm.

When I was 25, I did it again. Only this time I did it in a weight lifting class. I loved Body Pump, but not after that first class. I wasn't using correct form when doing squats, needless to say, I also wasn't used to doing squats, period. Later that day, I was feeling it. The next day, I couldn't walk. I did it again.

So today. Here I am again. Only this time I did it to my back. You would think that a 30 year old woman would be able to recognize injurious exercises. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to pick up my kid without fear of dropping him when my back seizes up.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Sunday weigh in, breaking bad habits, and getting nervous

184.4! I'm especially happy about this because early in the week, I had a couple of days where staying on track was difficult. Monday, I took Jack and Cy to the fair and was there much longer than I anticipated and ended up being ravenous. This may come as a shock to some, but it's impossible to eat a plant-strong diet at the fair. Jack wanted chicken nuggets, french fries, and lemonade. I was able to resist the call of the nugget, but I had some fries. They weren't that great. I anticipated fawning all over them like a long lost love, but I didn't feel like I'd missed them. The only reason I ate them was because I was really, really hungry. The lemonade was loaded with sugar I'm sure, but I must admit that I enjoyed it immensely.

I also discovered almond milk ice cream this week. Fewer calories and less fat than traditional ice cream, but again, I didn't feel like I really enjoyed it. The main reason I got it was because I've been trying to cut out a lot of dairy from Jack's diet. He liked it, so now I know that I can buy that instead of normal ice cream and he feels like he's gotten his treat.

This week was about Jack. I've been having some trouble disciplining him lately and I was beginning to get desperate. I remembered hearing once about finding ways to say "yes" to your toddler. I found fun things to get us out of the house and to make him feel like his needs were being met. I do feel like it made a difference. The problem that I'm having is that I got lazy after Cy was born about being consistent in my expectations of Jack. It was easier to let things slide a little than to fight the good fight every day. Unfortunately, 7 months after Cy was born, we have some very bad habits that have developed. Sometimes I feel like he's in control instead of Brad and myself, and that's what we've been tackling the last couple days. There were some tears, but not nearly as many as I expected. In order for me to have some modicum of sanity, I've got to reestablish that while I do love him and do take his needs and wants into consideration, I am in charge. Not him.

I had a very long conversation with my sister this morning about this. It's good to have someone with older children that can give you the perspective that you can't see when you're dealing with such young children.

So, I have something like 6 days left with hair. The reality is beginning to sink in now that I'm going to be sporting some very short hair this winter. Those who know me, know that I am always cold, and I'm sure that lacking hair isn't going to help the situation.

My goals for this week- 3 pounds lost and exercise in one form or another every day. The exercise will be the challenge. I am not a morning person, and by the time I get both boys fed and sometimes dressed, and get myself fed, clean up from breakfast, and get showered, it's time for Cy's first nap. But, I really want to be down in the lower 160's by my 31st birthday in December. I need to get myself back in the habit of exercising daily again. I feel so alive since I've changed my diet. If I add daily exercise on top of that, I can't imagine what I'll be able to tackle. Marathon?

Thursday, August 16, 2012

What I eat

So, I've had a couple people ask me what I eat since I've cut out meat, dairy, eggs, and oil. The short answer is that I have a lot I can eat. Right now, I have enchiladas baking in the oven. With all the fantastic food in season right now, I've been eating veggie wraps: lettuce, lots of tomato, cilantro, red onion, bell pepper, and brown mustard in whole wheat wraps. Very good.

Yesterday, in an attempt to get Jack involved in the kitchen and give him something healthy to eat, we made chocolate pudding.
Recipe:
1 box of lite silken tofu
1/4 cup of cocoa poweder
1/4 cup of agave
1 teaspoon of vanilla
a pinch of salt

Blend until smooth

He loved it. After dishing his portion out, I added a bunch of raspberries that needed to be eaten to mine and blended it all together. It was rich and chocolatey without the guilt that I normally associate with desserts.

It's ridiculous. I would be sitting at the table, or standing at the counter, shoveling whatever sweet I could get my hands on into my mouth, bemoaning my lack of willpower. I'd swear that this was the last time I'd eat this way, and that I'd start exercising every day....starting tomorrow. I'd hid what I was eating from Jack. The reasons were two fold: I didn't want him to have the junk food addiction that I have, but truthfully, I didn't want to share. My cake! Mine!!

If I need a snack that's easy, I've been eating puffed kamut cakes from Martin's. Given the abundance of tomatoes from the garden, I've been eating a lot of them with basil from the farmer's market.

A friend of mine from high school posted on her blog about seeing her roommate's junk food, and being rather amazed that it doesn't have any pull on her. How well I know. Brad can easily ignore the cake until it's time for dessert, or only have one piece of dark chocolate. And then there's me. I feel like I'm at constant warfare with junk food. I can't ignore it. I feel like it's talking to me, mocking me. Does anyone else out there have this problem?


Sunday, August 12, 2012

Sunday weigh in

186.8! I'm loving this new diet. I feel great, less lethargic, and happier. I even got to exercise 2 times this week.

There is one thing that I'm having a hard time saying good bye to, and that's ice cream. I love ice cream. I unfortunately discovered Sweet Bee right before I started this diet and I'm having a hard time pretending I never knew of its existence. Last night, we had some friends over for dinner and we decided to go to JJ's for dessert. I initially told myself that I wouldn't have any. Then I reasoned myself up to sharing something with Brad. I had every intention of doing that until I ordered my own dessert. Oops.

Today I'm going to work on making some food for me to eat off of this week. I've got a busy day ahead of me.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Saturday morning and fall out from Derecho

I love Saturday mornings. Cy slept until 7, which for him is really late. Jack slept a little later, giving both Brad and myself a little bit more rest, which we both sorely need. We then all played in our bed for a little bit. While I don't want Jack in our bed at night now since Cyrus is sleeping with us, I love starting our day with all of us together, snuggled together in bed.

Cyrus was quite surprised to have Brad in bed with us this morning. He kept leaning his head down and to the side as if to better examine him. It was really sweet watching him examine Brad's face.

We're dealing with Jack still refusing to sleep without Brad at night. I know that the Derecho storm that we had at the end of June made Jack feel much more anxious at night, but he started to show some improvement. Then he quickly back pedaled and now he will stay up as late as Brad will, asking for Skits, or Ranger, or whatever he's calling Brad, waiting for him to join him in bed.

Last night, Brad was in Jack's room at least 4 times. I guess it doesn't sound too bad, but he had been sleeping through the night without a problem. I know he's going to be tired later, but I think that this may be the best way to encourage him to sleep alone again.

Part of the reason he's refusing to sleep without company is that he feels loved and cared for and isn't having to share his parents with his baby brother. I try so hard during the day to tell him and show him that I love him, and I know there are days when I fall far short. It's really hard watching him act out and knowing that I just don't have the faculties to handle them the way that I find ideal. I feel sometimes that I have a feral child that I've been given to take care of.

And I feel the pressure of the expectations of others. There are some in my life that seem to think that a firm hand is all I need in order to make my life and Jack's much happier. I just don't think that being hard nosed with him is the answer. He's a sensitive kid and I don't think that hard nosed discipline is the answer. Yes, there are times when a time out is necessary for both of us. Yes, I know I need to help him to learn how to control himself. But I don't want to crush him. I want his enthusiasm for exploration to continue. He can be so much fun. And when we share a laugh together! My heart feels like it will burst with love. I feel bad because before Cy was born, I had all the patience in the world for him and I could take the time to really explain the reason behind seemingly arbitrary rules. Now I feel like some drill sergeant who expects you to behave without asking questions.

As much as my regaining my physical health is important to me, making sure that Jack knows that I love him unconditionally in infinitely more important. I would love to have a big herd of children, but I just don't see it happening for me. I don't think I can handle the guilt I feel multiplied by more children. I feel like I'm neglecting Jack and Cyrus too at times. I think that bringing more children into the world just isn't the responsible thing for me to do.

I'm sorry this post has kind of rambled. It's been written in between naps, meals, and every other imaginable interruption.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Success!

I'm actually excited to weigh in today. I'm 188.8! This is the first time I've been below 190 since being pregnant with Cy. And I feel great! This new diet is really working for me. I can't tell you how incredibly happy I am. I actually fit into a pre-pregnancy skirt yesterday. Although I'm not back to pre-pregnancy weight yet, it feels good to be back in the right decade.

So where does this weight loss leave me? I have 23ish pounds left to go. I have a long road ahead of me, but now having some real, measurable success is giving me some motivation to keep the good times rolling. Cupcakes in the fridge? Yeah, that's great and all, but I'm losing weight, so no thanks.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

New diet

So, have you heard of the Whole Foods, Plant Based diet? I started reading some about after watching Forks Over Knives a month or so ago. This is what I know so far:

-Obviously eat your food as close to its natural state as possible. Cut out all refined food.
-Like vegan diets, all animal products are out. Meat is not a challenge for me.
-It's really low in fat. Absurdly low. No cooking with oil.
-There's a correlation between this diet and generally really good health.

I don't enjoy eating meat. I remember being a kid, sitting at the dinner table, not enjoying the meat portion of the meal. I remember choking it down and really not liking the taste of meat. What I do have a hard time giving up is the dairy component of my diet. I love greek yogurt. I also enjoy pizza. I don't eat a lot of cheese, but I would have a hard time giving it up.

So far, I've practiced a gradual shift to the diet. I no longer use cow's milk in coffee or cereal. I really like unsweetened vanilla almond milk. And as a bonus, so does Jack. I'm eating a lot more fruits and vegetables, and I've cut out a lot of packaged food. I feel like my body is really enjoying the nutrient rich food. A lot of cravings have gone, and I believe it's because I'm finally giving my body what it's really craving.

After Cy was born, I started watching a lot of documentaries on Netflix about food and the quality of food that we as Americans tend to ingest. What we're eating isn't really food. It's no wonder we're craving food all the time because we're never really giving our bodies food. I've watched Food, Inc., Food Matters, Dying to Have Known, Forks Over Knives, and bits and pieces of other food documentaries. What I've learned is that I can get by with less food, so long as I eat higher quality food. This seems like a no brainer, but for someone who's had an intimate relationship with food as a provider of comfort for 30 years, this is a never ending battle. Imagine always having hugs when you've had a bad day, only to learn after 30 years that hugs cause cancer, heart disease, sexual disfunction, diabetes, etc. You know you need to quit, but that hug is so familiar and comfortable and soothing. Can you see my difficulty?

I've found a couple of websites that I have found recipes on that are helping me learn my way. I love Oh, she glows! , Happy Herbivore, and Engine 2 Diet.

As for my goal this week, I feel like I'm on the right track. If my kids will ever feel better, I may even start walking and exercising again.

Monday, July 30, 2012

A long week and weekly weigh in

I tried posting all last week, and it just wasn't happening. My week started out well enough. Monday, I was able to exercise and take the boys for a walk that morning. Tuesday, more exercise. I felt good. I don't remember what happened Wednesday. I think that was the day things started to fall apart. I was really tired. Cy hasn't been sleeping because he's teething. Jack was just kind of crabby. I think now he wasn't feeling the best. Friday, it was official. I was sick. I couldn't get anything done. I attempted to fold laundry. Nope, not happening. Nap was a bust. The days that I need to nap the most seem to be the days when Cyrus needs them the least.

 I was desperate for rest. I finally showered around 1, which is really late for me. I was hoping that I could lay down on the couch with Cy during his next nap while Jack watched some TV. Mom came over, helped me out, and as soon as Cy fell asleep, I went upstairs and laid down. I slept a little over an hour. I felt marginally better when I woke up and we decided to go to Plan B for the WMRA fundraiser they were doing. I was miserable. Body aches, exhaustion, no appetite. Cyrus was screaming from teething pain and being overwhelmed from the sheer amount of humanity packed in there. I felt bad asking to leave because Jack was actually playing well with some other kids and Brad was having fun talking to new people.

I went to bed, hoping to feel better the next morning. I didn't. Saturday dragged by until naptime. I felt a lot better when I woke up. I felt good enough to go to the Fulks Run Lawn Party...until we actually got there. Body aches came back with a vengeance. All the food looked gross and all I wanted to do was go home, but Jack was all excited about going on some rides. I toughed it out for a while, but the heat made the body aches worse, so I went and sat in the car, leaving both boys with Brad. I sat in the air conditioning, unable to get comfortable. I looked up to see Brad and the boys headed my way. Jack had changed his mind about the rides. I felt hugely responsible for his change in plans. We went home and I laid down on the couch to get some more rest.

The fever finally broke in the middle of the night. I felt basically good all day. Then I realized I had a plugged milk duct. So, I massaged and nursed on that side all day, hoping that I got it before it was too late.

I didn't get to do my weigh in this morning due to not feeling well. I'm back down to 192.4. I want to lose 2 pounds this week. Hopefully the pressure of publicly broadcasting my weight will encourage me. Hopefully I'll get back into exercising this week. Hopefully I'm the only one to get sick. Hopefully Cy's teeth break through soon. Hopefully I'll blog more than once this week.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Sunday weigh in.

I almost skipped posting today. Almost. I'm embarrassed. I'm up to 194. I'm going to attribute the gain to going to the Bridgewater Lawn Party two nights in a row. I didn't want to go last night in particular, but Brad and Jack wanted to go, it only happens once a year, and so on.

Prior to going yesterday, I had behaved myself really well. I had an oatmeal smoothie for breakfast, snacked a little on unsalted sunflower seeds, and had roasted chick peas and baby carrots for lunch. We had some errands that we needed to run in town, but we had a much later start than I anticipated. I was hungry, and then Brad sprang the whole, "Let's go to Bridgewater" thing on me.

In case you're wondering, it extremely hard to eat a healthy diet at a lawn party. The healthiest thing there were the white beans, but even they have fat back in them for flavor. I also drank a Diet Coke, which while delicious, did nothing to assuage hunger. It also resulted in me being awake well past midnight.

So, after today's weigh in, I was thinking to myself that today is a new day and a new week and we were starting over. I had a glass of almond milk, some sunflower seeds, and sat down to start planning my day out. The phone rings. It's my sister, Abbey, talking about the annual Bowman Family Reunion. *Face plant* I had forgotten all about it. I enjoy going to these reunions a lot. I enjoy spending time both with my immediate family and my extended family. I'm not going to lie. I like showing my kids off, too. There's just one little hitch.

There are tables of food. My extended family is Mennonite. They are known for the tasty food, but not for dieter friendly tasty food. There's always a bucket of fried chicken, numerous bowls of potato salad, deviled eggs, and a HUGE table of desserts. Half of the food brought is dessert in origin. I remember as a child, going to my Aunt Maxine's house and gorging myself on food. Eating to the point of being sick, and then eating more. Ladylike I am not.

So, what to do? What's my plan for overcoming all this food? Well, I'm thinking I'm going to eat another banana on the way there and drinking a lot of water, sticking to veggie based food, and hoping for the best. I'm bringing my date bars, so I know that there will be at least one dessert that isn't filled to the brim with sugar.

Today is a new day and a new week. I will conquer the family reunion tables of food. I will not let them beat me. I am a human. They are inanimate tables of inanimate food. I am STRONG!

Off I go to drink more water.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Thwarted by myself.

So, yesterday Jack wanted to "make something." After cruising several websites and checking my pantry for ingredient available, I decided on these little devils. Oh. My. God.

They were epic. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a serious weakness for the heavenly chocolate and peanut butter combination. I am completely powerless to the call. I stored them in the freezer in the hopes that it would slow me down. It didn't. At all. I inhaled several (4) the first hour Brad was home.

I love to bake. I find it therapeutic. I love sweets. I find comfort in them. Yes, I eat for comfort. Unfortunately I don't eat celery for comfort. The vast majority of what I eat is healthy. I've got an awesome wheat berry salad sitting in my fridge right now. I shop at the farmers' market weekly. I just don't get why I'm having such an extremely hard time ditching the sweet/fat habit.

I know it's an addiction. I know. I have a new found respect for anyone who's kicked a drug habit. This is hard!

When I make things like this, I count on Brad and Jack to "help" out and eat some of whatever I make. I feel that I'll be safe as long as they eat. They never help as much as I need them to. Brad stopped at one before dinner, and then had another before bed. I don't know how many I ate. Jack, well, Jack just never seems to eat. I don't understand why I cannot stop eating. How can they stop when something is so good?

I don't keep sugary snacks or anything "junky" in the house. So, I was thwarted by myself. I made these. I ate these. I have no one to blame but myself.

Here's my problem. I bake as an outlet. I enjoy making sweets. If I stop baking sweets, I feel like I'm idle, stagnant. So next time I bake, any takers on what I make?

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Love abounds and parenting challenges.

Lately I've been feeling that love is everywhere. I was driving home from grocery shopping last week and having a pleasant conversation with Boy #1. Boy #2 was making pleasant baby sounds. Even though I haven't spent much time with Brad lately due to Boy #1's anxiety over going to sleep alone, I truly appreciate all the love and patience he has for the kids and myself. I feel that going from one child to two has been a challenge. Maybe not so much for us as a couple, but for us as parents.

I'm not going to lie. The transition has been hard. Really hard. I have shed many tears over the past 6 months because of the guilt I feel. I think that prior to have Boy #2, I was a really good parent. We did stuff together, I had the patience and time to explain why some behaviors aren't acceptable. I made healthy meals. In short, I had it down.

After Boy #2 was born, we went from a relatively quiet existence to complete chaos. I feel like Boy #1 is slipping away. I feel like we lost a very close connection that we had prior to having Boy #2. I feel like he's functioning most of the time just on this side of control. I try to help him maintain control of himself, but I often just can't.

 Neither of my boys are what most of society would deem "easy" children. Don't get me wrong. Boy #2 has been a relative walk in the park compared to Boy #1, but I feel that someone is always having to wait to feel that their needs are met. But on this car ride home, both were happy. I was happy.

Just over a week ago, one of my lovely nephews was diagnosed with leukemia. Our entire family was felt like the rug was pulled out from under them. How could one of our children have cancer? I cried for my nephew. I cried because I knew what awaited him and I cried for my sister having to walk this through with him. I can't imagine having a child of my own being diagnosed with this. My nephew has the best prognosis and should really be feeling better soon. Chemo is tough, but he's really just living in the moment. He enjoys food when he's feeling well, steers clear when he's not.

What's been the most overwhelming about this whole scenario is that complete strangers have been donating money. Lots of money. I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of complete strangers. I've offered up my head as a fundraising tool. If my cousin's site raises $15,000, I'm going to buzz all my hair off. We are getting close. As of this morning, there's only $3,660 that stands between me and my head.

So what does this post have to do with getting my health back? Well, to be quite frank, I'm scared of the genetic card that may have been dealt to my kids and myself. I have two close relatives that have had some kind of blood cancer, one lymphoma, one leukemia. What better reason is there to be healthy other than wanting to give myself the best odds in living a long, enjoyable life?

I also need to find some kind of balance in my life when it comes to finding time for myself. At the end of the day, I often, (more like every night) watch TV until time for bed. I am so drained that I just don't have the energy or emotional fortitude to manage anything else. How am I finding time to blog right now? Well, I'm sitting in the bathroom while Boy #1 takes his bath. Boy #2 is outside with Brad. I guess I'll just have to work with what I have for the time being. But at least this is progress.

So it starts.

Alright. I've talked about this for years, and although it seems that there is a blog for everything, I feel the need to start one myself. I am 30 years old, and a mother to two wonderful boys. Jack is 3 and a half, Cyrus is almost 6 months old. I have been married to a fantastic guy for 7 years. We have an old farmhouse that will probably forever be in the process of being renovated. I stay at home with my fellas, trying to give them a gentle loving start in life.

I've decided to start this blog for a number of reasons. I feel that my mental health would benefit greatly from having an outlet for all my thoughts during the day. I'm having trouble sleeping at night, thinking mundane and some not so mundane thoughts. I need a creative outlet.

I'm also trying to regain my physical health. Prior to my pregnancy with Jack, I weighed in the mid 160's. I'm 5'10", so I looked healthy. The thing is, I wasn't healthy. I was eating highly processed food and living a high stress lifestyle. I was working part time in doctors' office while studying nursing at a local community college. I was exercising a couple times a week. I rarely cooked.

Once we got pregnant with Jack, my habits got worse. I ate lots of Lean Cuisine and fast food. In the 34 weeks of being pregnant, I gained 40 pounds. I had royally swollen ankles, and was exhausted all the time. I never lost all of my pregnancy weight. Jack was, and still is, a challenge. All my energy was spent on him.

I was just getting myself back into shape when I got pregnant. We were overjoyed. I promised myself that I would take better care of myself this time. About two weeks after finding out we were pregnant, we had a miscarriage. I was devastated. I returned to my old habits of finding comfort in food, especially Peanut M&M's. I gained weight again. I told myself that when the pain of the miscarriage was done, I'd eat healthily again and lose the weight.

A month later, I find myself pregnant...again. It was a complete surprise. I had a lot of mixed feelings. I was happy to be pregnant again, but I felt guilty about it. What about the child we'd lost? I did manage to take care of myself, but I wasn't as active as I'd like to have been. Jack was born early and I was told to take it easy on physical activity. I could walk, but not while pushing a stroller, or up a hill. This was a bit of a challenge. We live at the top of a steep hill.

While my physical activity was limited, I did eat better this time around. I'd slowly been taking processed food out of my diet. I had better energy and I didn't have any swelling this time. I did gain 40 pounds again, but it was in 40 weeks, as opposed to 34 weeks as I had with Jack. When I went into labor with Cyrus, I weighed 220 pounds. I did feel like I weighed a ton. I felt heavy. I was ready to have Cy and feel better about myself again. Cy was a big boy. He was 9 pounds and 22 inches long. I did lose a lot of blood after he was born and felt anemic for two to three weeks after he was born. I was eating a lot of meat, which I normally don't. I was eating food that wasn't healthy, but I was too weak to make food that I liked. At six weeks postpartum, I was still weighing 200 pounds.

In addition to my high weight, I was dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil. I felt full of guilt over not taking care of Jack the way that I preferred. He was acting out because of the change in his life and it was breaking my heart. I'm still dealing with trying to balance Jack's and Cy's needs. I'm thankful that Cy is such an easy going kid and that Jack loves his brother so much. Things could be more challenging than what they are.

This blog is hopefully going to help me regain a balance that's been missing in my life. I want to be physically and emotionally healthy. Today, I'm feeling a little bummed. Brad laughed when he was I was starting a blog. He asked how on earth I was going to have time for this. I'm not going to lie, I was hurt by his lack of sensitivity. I don't think he sees how consuming caring for our kids can be. I need an outlet. Physically, I'm weighing in today at 192.4. This is down from my highest postpartum weight of 204. I'm planning on weighing in on Sundays. I think that being accountable to a public blog will help encourage me to make the wiser food choices. As things improve, this blog will become more attractive. Let me know what you're thinking.