So it starts.

Alright. I've talked about this for years, and although it seems that there is a blog for everything, I feel the need to start one myself. I am 30 years old, and a mother to two wonderful boys. Jack is 3 and a half, Cyrus is almost 6 months old. I have been married to a fantastic guy for 7 years. We have an old farmhouse that will probably forever be in the process of being renovated. I stay at home with my fellas, trying to give them a gentle loving start in life.

I've decided to start this blog for a number of reasons. I feel that my mental health would benefit greatly from having an outlet for all my thoughts during the day. I'm having trouble sleeping at night, thinking mundane and some not so mundane thoughts. I need a creative outlet.

I'm also trying to regain my physical health. Prior to my pregnancy with Jack, I weighed in the mid 160's. I'm 5'10", so I looked healthy. The thing is, I wasn't healthy. I was eating highly processed food and living a high stress lifestyle. I was working part time in doctors' office while studying nursing at a local community college. I was exercising a couple times a week. I rarely cooked.

Once we got pregnant with Jack, my habits got worse. I ate lots of Lean Cuisine and fast food. In the 34 weeks of being pregnant, I gained 40 pounds. I had royally swollen ankles, and was exhausted all the time. I never lost all of my pregnancy weight. Jack was, and still is, a challenge. All my energy was spent on him.

I was just getting myself back into shape when I got pregnant. We were overjoyed. I promised myself that I would take better care of myself this time. About two weeks after finding out we were pregnant, we had a miscarriage. I was devastated. I returned to my old habits of finding comfort in food, especially Peanut M&M's. I gained weight again. I told myself that when the pain of the miscarriage was done, I'd eat healthily again and lose the weight.

A month later, I find myself pregnant...again. It was a complete surprise. I had a lot of mixed feelings. I was happy to be pregnant again, but I felt guilty about it. What about the child we'd lost? I did manage to take care of myself, but I wasn't as active as I'd like to have been. Jack was born early and I was told to take it easy on physical activity. I could walk, but not while pushing a stroller, or up a hill. This was a bit of a challenge. We live at the top of a steep hill.

While my physical activity was limited, I did eat better this time around. I'd slowly been taking processed food out of my diet. I had better energy and I didn't have any swelling this time. I did gain 40 pounds again, but it was in 40 weeks, as opposed to 34 weeks as I had with Jack. When I went into labor with Cyrus, I weighed 220 pounds. I did feel like I weighed a ton. I felt heavy. I was ready to have Cy and feel better about myself again. Cy was a big boy. He was 9 pounds and 22 inches long. I did lose a lot of blood after he was born and felt anemic for two to three weeks after he was born. I was eating a lot of meat, which I normally don't. I was eating food that wasn't healthy, but I was too weak to make food that I liked. At six weeks postpartum, I was still weighing 200 pounds.

In addition to my high weight, I was dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil. I felt full of guilt over not taking care of Jack the way that I preferred. He was acting out because of the change in his life and it was breaking my heart. I'm still dealing with trying to balance Jack's and Cy's needs. I'm thankful that Cy is such an easy going kid and that Jack loves his brother so much. Things could be more challenging than what they are.

This blog is hopefully going to help me regain a balance that's been missing in my life. I want to be physically and emotionally healthy. Today, I'm feeling a little bummed. Brad laughed when he was I was starting a blog. He asked how on earth I was going to have time for this. I'm not going to lie, I was hurt by his lack of sensitivity. I don't think he sees how consuming caring for our kids can be. I need an outlet. Physically, I'm weighing in today at 192.4. This is down from my highest postpartum weight of 204. I'm planning on weighing in on Sundays. I think that being accountable to a public blog will help encourage me to make the wiser food choices. As things improve, this blog will become more attractive. Let me know what you're thinking.