Saturday morning and fall out from Derecho

I love Saturday mornings. Cy slept until 7, which for him is really late. Jack slept a little later, giving both Brad and myself a little bit more rest, which we both sorely need. We then all played in our bed for a little bit. While I don't want Jack in our bed at night now since Cyrus is sleeping with us, I love starting our day with all of us together, snuggled together in bed.

Cyrus was quite surprised to have Brad in bed with us this morning. He kept leaning his head down and to the side as if to better examine him. It was really sweet watching him examine Brad's face.

We're dealing with Jack still refusing to sleep without Brad at night. I know that the Derecho storm that we had at the end of June made Jack feel much more anxious at night, but he started to show some improvement. Then he quickly back pedaled and now he will stay up as late as Brad will, asking for Skits, or Ranger, or whatever he's calling Brad, waiting for him to join him in bed.

Last night, Brad was in Jack's room at least 4 times. I guess it doesn't sound too bad, but he had been sleeping through the night without a problem. I know he's going to be tired later, but I think that this may be the best way to encourage him to sleep alone again.

Part of the reason he's refusing to sleep without company is that he feels loved and cared for and isn't having to share his parents with his baby brother. I try so hard during the day to tell him and show him that I love him, and I know there are days when I fall far short. It's really hard watching him act out and knowing that I just don't have the faculties to handle them the way that I find ideal. I feel sometimes that I have a feral child that I've been given to take care of.

And I feel the pressure of the expectations of others. There are some in my life that seem to think that a firm hand is all I need in order to make my life and Jack's much happier. I just don't think that being hard nosed with him is the answer. He's a sensitive kid and I don't think that hard nosed discipline is the answer. Yes, there are times when a time out is necessary for both of us. Yes, I know I need to help him to learn how to control himself. But I don't want to crush him. I want his enthusiasm for exploration to continue. He can be so much fun. And when we share a laugh together! My heart feels like it will burst with love. I feel bad because before Cy was born, I had all the patience in the world for him and I could take the time to really explain the reason behind seemingly arbitrary rules. Now I feel like some drill sergeant who expects you to behave without asking questions.

As much as my regaining my physical health is important to me, making sure that Jack knows that I love him unconditionally in infinitely more important. I would love to have a big herd of children, but I just don't see it happening for me. I don't think I can handle the guilt I feel multiplied by more children. I feel like I'm neglecting Jack and Cyrus too at times. I think that bringing more children into the world just isn't the responsible thing for me to do.

I'm sorry this post has kind of rambled. It's been written in between naps, meals, and every other imaginable interruption.