Love abounds and parenting challenges.

Lately I've been feeling that love is everywhere. I was driving home from grocery shopping last week and having a pleasant conversation with Boy #1. Boy #2 was making pleasant baby sounds. Even though I haven't spent much time with Brad lately due to Boy #1's anxiety over going to sleep alone, I truly appreciate all the love and patience he has for the kids and myself. I feel that going from one child to two has been a challenge. Maybe not so much for us as a couple, but for us as parents.

I'm not going to lie. The transition has been hard. Really hard. I have shed many tears over the past 6 months because of the guilt I feel. I think that prior to have Boy #2, I was a really good parent. We did stuff together, I had the patience and time to explain why some behaviors aren't acceptable. I made healthy meals. In short, I had it down.

After Boy #2 was born, we went from a relatively quiet existence to complete chaos. I feel like Boy #1 is slipping away. I feel like we lost a very close connection that we had prior to having Boy #2. I feel like he's functioning most of the time just on this side of control. I try to help him maintain control of himself, but I often just can't.

 Neither of my boys are what most of society would deem "easy" children. Don't get me wrong. Boy #2 has been a relative walk in the park compared to Boy #1, but I feel that someone is always having to wait to feel that their needs are met. But on this car ride home, both were happy. I was happy.

Just over a week ago, one of my lovely nephews was diagnosed with leukemia. Our entire family was felt like the rug was pulled out from under them. How could one of our children have cancer? I cried for my nephew. I cried because I knew what awaited him and I cried for my sister having to walk this through with him. I can't imagine having a child of my own being diagnosed with this. My nephew has the best prognosis and should really be feeling better soon. Chemo is tough, but he's really just living in the moment. He enjoys food when he's feeling well, steers clear when he's not.

What's been the most overwhelming about this whole scenario is that complete strangers have been donating money. Lots of money. I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of complete strangers. I've offered up my head as a fundraising tool. If my cousin's site raises $15,000, I'm going to buzz all my hair off. We are getting close. As of this morning, there's only $3,660 that stands between me and my head.

So what does this post have to do with getting my health back? Well, to be quite frank, I'm scared of the genetic card that may have been dealt to my kids and myself. I have two close relatives that have had some kind of blood cancer, one lymphoma, one leukemia. What better reason is there to be healthy other than wanting to give myself the best odds in living a long, enjoyable life?

I also need to find some kind of balance in my life when it comes to finding time for myself. At the end of the day, I often, (more like every night) watch TV until time for bed. I am so drained that I just don't have the energy or emotional fortitude to manage anything else. How am I finding time to blog right now? Well, I'm sitting in the bathroom while Boy #1 takes his bath. Boy #2 is outside with Brad. I guess I'll just have to work with what I have for the time being. But at least this is progress.