Long overdue

It has been way too long since I've updated my blog. There's been a lot on my plate in the past year. For those of you who don't know, my dear sweet nephew, Sam, was diagnosed with leukemia on July 5th, 2012. His diagnosis was a huge shock to our family and a huge motivating factor for me trying to get myself in the best health possible. And for a while, things were going well. Sam was responding  well to treatment, and I was making progress in taking care of myself.

On May 1, 2013, we found out that the cancer that Sam had fought so courageously had returned. He fought and fought the cancer, trying every available treatment and even to the point of having a new trial written up just for him. He was transferred from UVA to the National Cancer Institute in NIH in Bethesda, Maryland, back to UVA, and ultimately back to Bethesda. Try as he might, his body just wasn't responding to any treatment the way we'd hoped. He passed away quietly, in his sleep, in the early morning hours in October 28th, 2013.

 Sam and me

My heart broke for Sam and those of us left behind. Grief is such a raw and painful experience. It makes people uncomfortable to see people grieving. No one knows what to say to someone who has lost a loved one, especially someone so young.

I struggled. I struggled with carrying on. I wanted to pretend like nothing had happened. I didn't want anyone to acknowledge my pain because I didn't know how to handle it myself. I slowly started slipping. Slipping into the cocoon of depression. It was almost comforting. I stayed at home. I talked to people only to keep up appearances that I was okay. I felt disconnected from my kids, but clung to them desperately. I bristled every time Brad tried to hug me. I just kept asking him to bear with me, that I would be better soon. I just wanted to be alone.

I started bringing my food vices back into the house: chocolate, cookies, anything sweet. I wasn't strictly plant based anymore. Oil was suddenly used here and there. Fewer vegetables were eaten. Eggs and milk were suddenly okay.

In short, I was completely and totally miserable, and it took me a long time to see it.

I finally decided it was time to help myself. I made an appointment to go see my general practitioner to talk about starting treatment. I've started seeing a grief counselor, but what has truly changed me has been wellbutrin. I have never been a big fan of using pharmaceuticals, but I just wanted to feel better.

Two weeks after starting it, I felt better, but it wasn't exactly what I'd hoped. Then, I reread the directions. In my mental fog, while I had read that I needed to take it twice a day, I had only been taking it once. Oops! So, now that I've finally been taking it correctly, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I don't want to spend all day on the couch watching tv. I want to move. I want to spend time with my kids, not send them off on their own. I want to spend time with family and friends again. In short, I feel like I did before all of the weight and pressure of Sam happened. I feel like I did before I had Jack. I realize now that the depression had been creeping up on me for years, but the process had been so slow that I hadn't realized it.

This evening, as I was putting my sweet boys to sleep, I realized that I want to do everything in my power to keep on feeling this way. I don't want to be on wellbutrin forever. I made a list of things I need to keep things moving forward in the direction of happiness and goodness in my life. First, I need to exercise. I love to run, which is something I never thought I'd say, but Sam's love of running won me over. I need to put effort into my personal appearance. I need to get my haircut on a more regular basis, instead of once every six months or so. I need to see a dermatologist about the eczema/rosacea on my face. I need to lose about 20 pounds. I need new clothes. I haven't bought nice clothes for myself since I was pregnant with Jack almost six years ago. I really need a hobby. I need something to keep me occupied and fill my free time instead of watching tv or surfing the internet.

And so, I plan on keep up to date here on my progress toward these goals. I want to succeed. I want to be happy, and I've finally decided to do something concrete about it.