A long week and weekly weigh in

I tried posting all last week, and it just wasn't happening. My week started out well enough. Monday, I was able to exercise and take the boys for a walk that morning. Tuesday, more exercise. I felt good. I don't remember what happened Wednesday. I think that was the day things started to fall apart. I was really tired. Cy hasn't been sleeping because he's teething. Jack was just kind of crabby. I think now he wasn't feeling the best. Friday, it was official. I was sick. I couldn't get anything done. I attempted to fold laundry. Nope, not happening. Nap was a bust. The days that I need to nap the most seem to be the days when Cyrus needs them the least.

 I was desperate for rest. I finally showered around 1, which is really late for me. I was hoping that I could lay down on the couch with Cy during his next nap while Jack watched some TV. Mom came over, helped me out, and as soon as Cy fell asleep, I went upstairs and laid down. I slept a little over an hour. I felt marginally better when I woke up and we decided to go to Plan B for the WMRA fundraiser they were doing. I was miserable. Body aches, exhaustion, no appetite. Cyrus was screaming from teething pain and being overwhelmed from the sheer amount of humanity packed in there. I felt bad asking to leave because Jack was actually playing well with some other kids and Brad was having fun talking to new people.

I went to bed, hoping to feel better the next morning. I didn't. Saturday dragged by until naptime. I felt a lot better when I woke up. I felt good enough to go to the Fulks Run Lawn Party...until we actually got there. Body aches came back with a vengeance. All the food looked gross and all I wanted to do was go home, but Jack was all excited about going on some rides. I toughed it out for a while, but the heat made the body aches worse, so I went and sat in the car, leaving both boys with Brad. I sat in the air conditioning, unable to get comfortable. I looked up to see Brad and the boys headed my way. Jack had changed his mind about the rides. I felt hugely responsible for his change in plans. We went home and I laid down on the couch to get some more rest.

The fever finally broke in the middle of the night. I felt basically good all day. Then I realized I had a plugged milk duct. So, I massaged and nursed on that side all day, hoping that I got it before it was too late.

I didn't get to do my weigh in this morning due to not feeling well. I'm back down to 192.4. I want to lose 2 pounds this week. Hopefully the pressure of publicly broadcasting my weight will encourage me. Hopefully I'll get back into exercising this week. Hopefully I'm the only one to get sick. Hopefully Cy's teeth break through soon. Hopefully I'll blog more than once this week.

Sunday weigh in.

I almost skipped posting today. Almost. I'm embarrassed. I'm up to 194. I'm going to attribute the gain to going to the Bridgewater Lawn Party two nights in a row. I didn't want to go last night in particular, but Brad and Jack wanted to go, it only happens once a year, and so on.

Prior to going yesterday, I had behaved myself really well. I had an oatmeal smoothie for breakfast, snacked a little on unsalted sunflower seeds, and had roasted chick peas and baby carrots for lunch. We had some errands that we needed to run in town, but we had a much later start than I anticipated. I was hungry, and then Brad sprang the whole, "Let's go to Bridgewater" thing on me.

In case you're wondering, it extremely hard to eat a healthy diet at a lawn party. The healthiest thing there were the white beans, but even they have fat back in them for flavor. I also drank a Diet Coke, which while delicious, did nothing to assuage hunger. It also resulted in me being awake well past midnight.

So, after today's weigh in, I was thinking to myself that today is a new day and a new week and we were starting over. I had a glass of almond milk, some sunflower seeds, and sat down to start planning my day out. The phone rings. It's my sister, Abbey, talking about the annual Bowman Family Reunion. *Face plant* I had forgotten all about it. I enjoy going to these reunions a lot. I enjoy spending time both with my immediate family and my extended family. I'm not going to lie. I like showing my kids off, too. There's just one little hitch.

There are tables of food. My extended family is Mennonite. They are known for the tasty food, but not for dieter friendly tasty food. There's always a bucket of fried chicken, numerous bowls of potato salad, deviled eggs, and a HUGE table of desserts. Half of the food brought is dessert in origin. I remember as a child, going to my Aunt Maxine's house and gorging myself on food. Eating to the point of being sick, and then eating more. Ladylike I am not.

So, what to do? What's my plan for overcoming all this food? Well, I'm thinking I'm going to eat another banana on the way there and drinking a lot of water, sticking to veggie based food, and hoping for the best. I'm bringing my date bars, so I know that there will be at least one dessert that isn't filled to the brim with sugar.

Today is a new day and a new week. I will conquer the family reunion tables of food. I will not let them beat me. I am a human. They are inanimate tables of inanimate food. I am STRONG!

Off I go to drink more water.

Thwarted by myself.

So, yesterday Jack wanted to "make something." After cruising several websites and checking my pantry for ingredient available, I decided on these little devils. Oh. My. God.

They were epic. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a serious weakness for the heavenly chocolate and peanut butter combination. I am completely powerless to the call. I stored them in the freezer in the hopes that it would slow me down. It didn't. At all. I inhaled several (4) the first hour Brad was home.

I love to bake. I find it therapeutic. I love sweets. I find comfort in them. Yes, I eat for comfort. Unfortunately I don't eat celery for comfort. The vast majority of what I eat is healthy. I've got an awesome wheat berry salad sitting in my fridge right now. I shop at the farmers' market weekly. I just don't get why I'm having such an extremely hard time ditching the sweet/fat habit.

I know it's an addiction. I know. I have a new found respect for anyone who's kicked a drug habit. This is hard!

When I make things like this, I count on Brad and Jack to "help" out and eat some of whatever I make. I feel that I'll be safe as long as they eat. They never help as much as I need them to. Brad stopped at one before dinner, and then had another before bed. I don't know how many I ate. Jack, well, Jack just never seems to eat. I don't understand why I cannot stop eating. How can they stop when something is so good?

I don't keep sugary snacks or anything "junky" in the house. So, I was thwarted by myself. I made these. I ate these. I have no one to blame but myself.

Here's my problem. I bake as an outlet. I enjoy making sweets. If I stop baking sweets, I feel like I'm idle, stagnant. So next time I bake, any takers on what I make?

Love abounds and parenting challenges.

Lately I've been feeling that love is everywhere. I was driving home from grocery shopping last week and having a pleasant conversation with Boy #1. Boy #2 was making pleasant baby sounds. Even though I haven't spent much time with Brad lately due to Boy #1's anxiety over going to sleep alone, I truly appreciate all the love and patience he has for the kids and myself. I feel that going from one child to two has been a challenge. Maybe not so much for us as a couple, but for us as parents.

I'm not going to lie. The transition has been hard. Really hard. I have shed many tears over the past 6 months because of the guilt I feel. I think that prior to have Boy #2, I was a really good parent. We did stuff together, I had the patience and time to explain why some behaviors aren't acceptable. I made healthy meals. In short, I had it down.

After Boy #2 was born, we went from a relatively quiet existence to complete chaos. I feel like Boy #1 is slipping away. I feel like we lost a very close connection that we had prior to having Boy #2. I feel like he's functioning most of the time just on this side of control. I try to help him maintain control of himself, but I often just can't.

 Neither of my boys are what most of society would deem "easy" children. Don't get me wrong. Boy #2 has been a relative walk in the park compared to Boy #1, but I feel that someone is always having to wait to feel that their needs are met. But on this car ride home, both were happy. I was happy.

Just over a week ago, one of my lovely nephews was diagnosed with leukemia. Our entire family was felt like the rug was pulled out from under them. How could one of our children have cancer? I cried for my nephew. I cried because I knew what awaited him and I cried for my sister having to walk this through with him. I can't imagine having a child of my own being diagnosed with this. My nephew has the best prognosis and should really be feeling better soon. Chemo is tough, but he's really just living in the moment. He enjoys food when he's feeling well, steers clear when he's not.

What's been the most overwhelming about this whole scenario is that complete strangers have been donating money. Lots of money. I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of complete strangers. I've offered up my head as a fundraising tool. If my cousin's site raises $15,000, I'm going to buzz all my hair off. We are getting close. As of this morning, there's only $3,660 that stands between me and my head.

So what does this post have to do with getting my health back? Well, to be quite frank, I'm scared of the genetic card that may have been dealt to my kids and myself. I have two close relatives that have had some kind of blood cancer, one lymphoma, one leukemia. What better reason is there to be healthy other than wanting to give myself the best odds in living a long, enjoyable life?

I also need to find some kind of balance in my life when it comes to finding time for myself. At the end of the day, I often, (more like every night) watch TV until time for bed. I am so drained that I just don't have the energy or emotional fortitude to manage anything else. How am I finding time to blog right now? Well, I'm sitting in the bathroom while Boy #1 takes his bath. Boy #2 is outside with Brad. I guess I'll just have to work with what I have for the time being. But at least this is progress.

So it starts.

Alright. I've talked about this for years, and although it seems that there is a blog for everything, I feel the need to start one myself. I am 30 years old, and a mother to two wonderful boys. Jack is 3 and a half, Cyrus is almost 6 months old. I have been married to a fantastic guy for 7 years. We have an old farmhouse that will probably forever be in the process of being renovated. I stay at home with my fellas, trying to give them a gentle loving start in life.

I've decided to start this blog for a number of reasons. I feel that my mental health would benefit greatly from having an outlet for all my thoughts during the day. I'm having trouble sleeping at night, thinking mundane and some not so mundane thoughts. I need a creative outlet.

I'm also trying to regain my physical health. Prior to my pregnancy with Jack, I weighed in the mid 160's. I'm 5'10", so I looked healthy. The thing is, I wasn't healthy. I was eating highly processed food and living a high stress lifestyle. I was working part time in doctors' office while studying nursing at a local community college. I was exercising a couple times a week. I rarely cooked.

Once we got pregnant with Jack, my habits got worse. I ate lots of Lean Cuisine and fast food. In the 34 weeks of being pregnant, I gained 40 pounds. I had royally swollen ankles, and was exhausted all the time. I never lost all of my pregnancy weight. Jack was, and still is, a challenge. All my energy was spent on him.

I was just getting myself back into shape when I got pregnant. We were overjoyed. I promised myself that I would take better care of myself this time. About two weeks after finding out we were pregnant, we had a miscarriage. I was devastated. I returned to my old habits of finding comfort in food, especially Peanut M&M's. I gained weight again. I told myself that when the pain of the miscarriage was done, I'd eat healthily again and lose the weight.

A month later, I find myself pregnant...again. It was a complete surprise. I had a lot of mixed feelings. I was happy to be pregnant again, but I felt guilty about it. What about the child we'd lost? I did manage to take care of myself, but I wasn't as active as I'd like to have been. Jack was born early and I was told to take it easy on physical activity. I could walk, but not while pushing a stroller, or up a hill. This was a bit of a challenge. We live at the top of a steep hill.

While my physical activity was limited, I did eat better this time around. I'd slowly been taking processed food out of my diet. I had better energy and I didn't have any swelling this time. I did gain 40 pounds again, but it was in 40 weeks, as opposed to 34 weeks as I had with Jack. When I went into labor with Cyrus, I weighed 220 pounds. I did feel like I weighed a ton. I felt heavy. I was ready to have Cy and feel better about myself again. Cy was a big boy. He was 9 pounds and 22 inches long. I did lose a lot of blood after he was born and felt anemic for two to three weeks after he was born. I was eating a lot of meat, which I normally don't. I was eating food that wasn't healthy, but I was too weak to make food that I liked. At six weeks postpartum, I was still weighing 200 pounds.

In addition to my high weight, I was dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil. I felt full of guilt over not taking care of Jack the way that I preferred. He was acting out because of the change in his life and it was breaking my heart. I'm still dealing with trying to balance Jack's and Cy's needs. I'm thankful that Cy is such an easy going kid and that Jack loves his brother so much. Things could be more challenging than what they are.

This blog is hopefully going to help me regain a balance that's been missing in my life. I want to be physically and emotionally healthy. Today, I'm feeling a little bummed. Brad laughed when he was I was starting a blog. He asked how on earth I was going to have time for this. I'm not going to lie, I was hurt by his lack of sensitivity. I don't think he sees how consuming caring for our kids can be. I need an outlet. Physically, I'm weighing in today at 192.4. This is down from my highest postpartum weight of 204. I'm planning on weighing in on Sundays. I think that being accountable to a public blog will help encourage me to make the wiser food choices. As things improve, this blog will become more attractive. Let me know what you're thinking.